At Lori Gill Psychotherapy, we have been offering couples therapy for over 15 years. Our approach is deeply integrative, combining leading evidence-based frameworks such as the Gottman Method, Imago Relationship Therapy, and our own Integrative Trauma and Attachment Treatment Model (ITATM™). We seek to identify and resolve past experiences and attachment wounds that often impact present-day relationships. By working both individually and conjointly, we help couples build awareness of underlying needs, develop compassionate communication, and increase interpersonal skills.
The Foundation of Healthy Relationships
We all have underlying needs, but the challenge is that most of us don’t know what our needs are or how to communicate them effectively. Many of us also struggle to recognize that our partner’s needs are often different from our own. Healthy relationships begin with self-knowledge—being able to meet our own needs and express them to others in a regulated, effective way. When we can name what we need, we increase the likelihood that our needs will be met in the manner we desire.
Healthy relationships require effort, awareness, and intentional connection. As therapists, our role is to help you discover who you are as individuals and as a couple. We identify your strengths and growth needs, bringing about effective changes that allow your relationship to enhance your life rather than deplete it.
Integrating Gottman, Imago, and Attachment-Enhancing Work
In our practice, we incorporate the “gold standard” of relational science.
The Gottman Method provides us with the “Sound Relationship House” framework. We focus on building “Love Maps,” sharing fondness and admiration, and managing conflict through “gentle start-ups.” In cases of betrayal, we follow the Gottman phases of Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment to ensure the foundation is rebuilt correctly.
Imago Relationship Therapy techniques allow us to look at the “why” behind your attraction and your conflicts. Imago focuses on the idea that we often choose partners who reflect both the positive and negative traits of our early caregivers. By using the “Imago Dialogue,” we help couples move from reactive “power struggles” to conscious, empathetic connection.
Attachment-enhancing work is the “glue” of this process. We look at your attachment patterns—whether you tend to pursue or withdraw when stressed—and help you create a “secure base” within the relationship. This involves individual work at the start of the process to tend to these patterns, ensuring that each partner is regulated enough to engage in the deep work of relational repair.
Understanding Betrayal as Trauma
When trust breaks, the injured partner feels it in far more than their thoughts. Betrayal trauma is a physiological experience. Sleep changes, appetite shifts, and the body goes on high alert. Ordinary moments—a phone notification, a late arrival, or a specific song—can trigger fear, rage, or panic.
Couples therapy after betrayal trauma must begin with an understanding that betrayal registers as trauma in the mind, brain, body, and attachment system. Whether the betrayal involves infidelity, hidden pornography use, financial deception, or emotional affairs, it shatters the relational “meaning” and safety. Healing requires more than surface-level communication tips; it requires a trauma-informed lens that prioritizes stabilization.
Resource: Internal Resourcing for Attachment Gaps
Understanding why a partner “can’t” respond the way we need is often linked to their own attachment history and “false alarms” in their nervous system. To help you navigate these moments of disconnection, watch Lori Gill’s video: When Loved Ones Won’t or Can’t Respond the Way You Need them To When Loved Ones Won’t or Can’t Respond the Way You Need them To.
Video Description: In this session, Lori explores the neurobiology of why loved ones sometimes fail to provide the emotional attunement we crave. She provides practical insights for “internal resourcing”—learning how to soothe your own system when your partner is unavailable, which is a vital skill in the early stages of betrayal recovery.
Why Betrayal Trauma Affects the Whole Relationship
Betrayal disrupts the nervous system and the meaning of the relationship itself. The injured partner may begin to question their memory, instincts, and worth. The partner who caused the harm may feel intense shame, defensiveness, or a desperate urge to “just move on.” This often creates a “pursue-withdraw” cycle that intensifies the trauma.
A trauma-informed approach recognizes that discovery triggers hypervigilance. If therapy focuses too early on “equalizing blame” without addressing the trauma, the injured partner feels unseen and the offending partner remains stuck in shame. Both partners need support, but they often move at different speeds.
What Couples Therapy After Betrayal Should Focus on First
The first goal is safety. Before rebuilding intimacy, therapy must clarify the boundaries required for the injured partner’s system to determine if the danger is over. This includes creating a “container” for truth-telling so that questioning doesn’t lead to further dysregulation at home.
Effective treatment begins with stabilization. This includes helping each partner identify triggers and regulate overwhelm. When the body is in survival mode, insight alone is rarely enough. We prioritize nervous system regulation, helping the brain and body process what talk therapy alone cannot resolve.
Safety Before Closeness
Many couples want to return to “normal,” but the truth is that the relationship must become safer and more honest than it was before. This requires the offending partner to move beyond regret and into true accountability. Accountability includes honesty, empathy, consistency, and a willingness to understand the full impact of the betrayal.
Rebuilding Trust Through the ITATM™ Framework
Trust is rebuilt through lived experience, not just apologies. In our Integrative Trauma and Attachment Treatment Model (ITATM™), we focus on:
Somatic Regulation: Using integrative therapies like EMDR, somatic work, or neurofeedback to process the trauma stored in the body.
Reparative Templates: Creating new “blueprints” for honesty and connection that replace old patterns of avoidance.
Meaning-Making: Helping both partners form a coherent narrative of the crisis so it can eventually be integrated into the past.
When Couples Therapy is Not Enough
Joint work alone is not enough if the betrayal is ongoing or if there is active manipulation. Safety and discernment must come first. There are times when couples work must be paired with deep individual support to address childhood attachment injuries or compulsive behaviors that interfere with repair.
Choosing the Right Therapist for Betrayal Trauma
Not every therapist is trained for betrayal trauma. A therapist who treats this as a simple “communication problem” may unintentionally increase harm. Look for a professional who understands trauma responses, attachment injury, and accountability-based repair. A strong therapist will help both partners move toward meaningful repair or honest clarity.
Healing is Possible
The couples who heal are those willing to face the damage directly. By replacing avoidance with truth and utilizing tools from Gottman, Imago, and ITATM™, some relationships become stronger than they were before the crisis. If you are in the early shock of discovery, the next step is moving toward support that understands trauma at its roots.